​PREPARING YOUR BODY AND MIND FOR RAMADAN

 


Think of Ramadan as a fresh bridegroom and you, the new bride. Imagine how the new bride prepares for the D-day… She undergoes a total beauty makeover. She goes for a medical check up to rule out any infectious or genetic disease. She buys the best of dresses, the finest of perfumes and jewelries of gold and silver to adorn herself for her groom. She also studies a lot about marriage and how to be a good wife from the first night and beyond…. 
This is how a muslim should welcome Ramadan. Begin to simulate the things you would be doing when Ramadan finally arrives (more nawafil, more qiyamul-layl, more recitations, etc). The best way to prepare for Ramadan is by fasting.  The Prophet (saw) used to fast more in the month of Sha’baan than in any other month of the year (Hadith). Fasting helps to prepare your system so that the 29/30 consecutive days  will not come as a shock to your body.
You also need to understand the physiology of fasting. Fasting is one act of worship in which EVERY part of your body participates. Fasting is a potent detoxifier. When you begin to feel the pangs of hunger, the stomach sends a signal to your brain and your brain transmits a “low time” alarm to the rest of your body. So, you tend to be less aggressive, less distracted, albeit spiritually motivated. No wonder fasting was prescribed as a way of curbing sexual urge… 
Visit a clinic and do basic health check for yourself and your family. If you have any chronic medical condition or you’re taking some medications routinely, discuss with your physician to see if you can fast and if you can adjust the dose to suit the timing of fasting. The ruling of fasting by the sick is clear. If fasting would harm you or aggravate your sickness, skip it and pay later. (Qur’an chapter 2 verse 184-185)

​MARRIAGE IS NOT AN ACHIEVEMENT?


I think marriage is an achievement and I’ll explain why. When Adam was created, he had everything. (Now, how do I explain this to an atheist who thinks he evolved from a chimp?!) He lived in a beautiful garden with all his desires fulfilled on demand. But something was obviously missing. He was a full-grown man with testosterone flowing through his veins. He needed companionship. He needed a wife and Allaah granted him a perfect match – Eve. It was the same for Eve.  She was happy. She was loved. She had everything, too. 
Marriage is based on love, compassion and mercy. Allaah said in Qur’an chapter 30 verse 21,

“And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect.”
It’s fine if you choose to live a celibate life, but don’t impose it on our girls. If you prefer to service your honeypot with sextoys and bring forth children through unknown sperm donors, again, it’s your choice. Just don’t corrupt our girls. Let them feel free to love and be loved. We’re here to guide and bless them – so help us God. I can’t help you if Allaah has removed compassion and affection from your heart. It’s like the feeling of analgesia after a jab of morphine; I pray you recover soon! 
My Prophet taught me that marriage is half of faith. He encouraged us to hasten towards completion of this “half”. He said, “O young people! Whoever among you can marry, should marry, because it helps him lower his gaze and guard his modesty” (Bukhaari). This is because we have no other option of satisfying our desires. This is because sexual pervasiveness is not part of Islam. 
Keep your messy feminism to yourself and stop brainwashing our girls. And yes, we do pay attention to their education and empowerment. We do honour our wives and obey our mothers. Marriage is not the only achievement we prepare our girls for, but when a girl gets happily married, we celebrate her as much as we celebrate any of her other achievements. 

​ORAL SEX : A MEDICO-ISLAMIC ANALYSIS

 
Disclaimer! Adults only. Reader’s discretion is advised. 
There is no clear-cut medical verdict on oral sex. There are benefits and there are risks. Studies have shown that oral sex enhances the overall sexual health in some couples. Sexual therapists do recommend it when managing cases of desire and arousal dysfunctions. Unfortunately, the risk of transmission of STDs is enough to scare anyone. Genital and oral herpes, syphilis, HIV and HPV are among the most notable. 
People who engage in oral sex have been shown to be at higher risk of developing oropharyngeal cancer (secondary to HPV infection). The risk is higher for those who have multiple sexual partners, and in the presence of a breach in the genital (or oral) skin and mucosa (bruises, cuts, etc) 
The vagina contains a cocktail of several bacteria. A high level of personal hygiene is required of a woman who wishes to enjoy cunnilingus. It is more advisable to use a ‘female condom’ or ‘vulval diaphragm’ to shield that area and prevent the husband from picking up infections from down there. 
The husband could also use a condom. This will rule out the chances of the woman swallowing semen and transferring pathogens between the phallus and the mouth. 
In Islam, the basic principle in issues of daily life is that everything is permissible unless there is an explicit ruling that forbids it. On this basis, some schools of thought opine that oral sex is permissible because there is no evidence to rule that it is haraam. 
Allaah says:
“Your wives are a tilth for you, so go to your tilth when or how you will, and send before you for your ownselves. And fear Allah, and know that you are to meet Him, and give good tidings to the believers.” (Qur’an chapter 2 verse 223)
In explaining this ayah, scholars of tafseer say that couples can enjoy sexual pleasure with each other using any style. The only exception to this permissiveness is ANAL SEX which is explicitly prohibited in the shari’ah as seen in several authentic ahadeeth. 
 It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah (RA) that the Messenger of Allaah (SAW) said: “The one who has intercourse with his wife in her back passage has disavowed himself of that which was revealed to Muhammad (SAW).” Narrated by Abu Dawood (3904); classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Abi Dawood. 
However, another school of thought believes that oral sex should be discouraged as it resembles what obtains among lower animals (especially dogs), and it is inappropriate for humans to imitate animals. They argue that the same tongue that would be used to glorify Allaah should not be seen around filthiness; such as the pre-ejaculatory fluid in men (al-madhiyy) and the vaginal discharge in women. 
Overall, we have no evidence to say that oral sex is haraam. Considering the fact that some couples have trouble achieving sexual satisfaction via penetrative intercourse alone, should they be denied the opportunity to explore other options? Should we categorize this under the “umuurun mushtabihaat” (doubtful affairs) and steer clear so as to be on the safer side? Well, there are more questions than answers on this topic…
My submission: 

Couples who decide to explore other methods of satisfying each other may, by mutual agreement, include oral sex. They should maintain a high standard of genital and oral health, and try not to ingest the genital fluids. 
WAllaahu Ta’aala A’alam.

​WHAT PEOPLE DO FOR LOVE… 


Shirk (associating partners with Allaah) comes in different shades and forms. I’m not here to go into the academic discussion of its divisions, but I’ll like to call our attention to the things people do all in the name of love and sex, thereby falling into one category of shirk or the other. 
In those days, our scholars travelled from  East to west in search of a single hadith. Despite the overwhelming amount of knowledge and information available to us today for free, it’s quite appalling that we still wallow in abject ignorance, and do things without searching for the authenticity and acceptability. 
When you fall in love with a woman, do istikhaara and walk up to her or her waliyy. The worst answer you can get is a “no”. They can’t kill you for pursuing your desire. They can’t crucify you for trying to satisfy your natural instinct in a halaal way. Rejection of a proposal is not the end of the world. When you go overboard and make use of amulets and talisman, it means:

1. You have committed shirk

2. You have refused to accept fate and predestination as a major article of faith 

3. You have failed to put your trust in Allaah
 It was narrated from Zaynab the wife of ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Mas’ood from ‘Abd-Allaah who said: “I heard the Messenger of Allaah (saw) say, ‘Indeed, spells (ruqah), amulets and love-charms are shirk…” (Aboo Dawood, Ibn Maajah, Classed saheeh by Albaanee). 
In trying to achieve contraception without the knowledge of their husbands, some women use rings, wrist bands and waist beads on which magical spells have been cast. These magicians, alfas or pastors employ the services of jinns, but they lie to them that they’ve only recited some verses of the Qur’an. How about convincing your husband to accompany you to the family planning clinic, get counselling and opt for an appropriate method that can suit your needs? 
I heard that some cultures prepare certain love potions for new brides on their wedding nights. They want them to look beautiful and irresistible. They want to be the favourite among the wives in polygamous marriages. They want to satisfy their husbands in bed forever and make their private parts as good as new. Why? When did marriage become a competition? When did sex become oxygen that you can’t live without? When did few minutes of pleasure become more important than your faith and hereafter? 
The worst set of people are those who break marital bonds in order to step in and hijack the wife from her husband or vice versa. They have morbid greed for other people’s spouses. It’s a craving they can’t help until they capture their preys. In Qur’an chapter 2 verse 102, Allaah mentioned that one of the main purposes for which magic was used in the time of Prophet Sulaiman (AS) was  to cause discord between couples. 
Don’t be surprised that some conscious muslims have been victims as well as culprits in this matter. The good news is that Allaah is oft-forgiving, All-Merciful. You can still repent today. Shirk is a grave sin. You can’t afford to die in that state. 
No man or woman is indispensable. Don’t lose your sanity in the quest for love. Don’t trade your faith for a transient feeling of ecstasy. Don’t trade the eternity of paradise for a few years of spellbound union. Fear Allaah! 
“… and the life of this world is only a deceiving enjoyment.” (Qur’an chapter 57 verse 20)

WOMEN AND JEALOUSY! 

There are two types of jealousy – protective jealousy and destructive jealousy. Protective jealousy is good. It’s a kind of territorialism which is part of our natural instincts as humans. It’s the kind of jealousy that makes a woman cringe at the mere flirtatious gesture towards her husband, and vice versa. It’s natural. It’s healthy. It’s understandable. 
Destructive jealousy is just what it is – destructive. It’s unnecessary. It’s unhealthy. It’s unacceptable. It’s the kind of jealousy that culminates in evil eyeing, violence and lethal assaults. This is the kind of jealousy that the Prophet (saw) warned us against. He (ﷺ) said, “Do not desert one another, do not nurse hatred towards one another, do not be jealous of one another, and become as fellow brothers and slaves of Allah. It is not lawful for a Muslim to stop talking to his brother for more than three days.” [Al-Bukhari and Muslim]
Allaah enjoined the Prophet himself to pray against jealousy, as He wasn’t free from its harmful effects (Qur’an chapter 113). Whoever finds herself in this form of jealousy should fear Allaah and increase in dhikr and patience. 
Jealousy is not exclusive to the womenfolk but theirs can be really funny. She’s jealous even before there’s anything to be jealous of! She has preconceived jealousy for the second wife her husband is yet to meet, and for the imaginary concubine her husband is not even planning to have! As if that isn’t enough, she’s already jealous of the houris in Jannah! 
Let me just zoom in on this last point… You have no business feeling jealous here because of the houris your husband will be marrying in Jannah. Guess what? There’s no such thing as jealousy in Jannah. The goodies in Jannah described in the Qur’an and Hadiths are just tips of the iceberg. The enjoyment is much more than what any word can describe or what any mind can fathom out. 
You will be too engrossed (in this enjoyment) to even notice the houris around your husband. The kind of pleasure you’ll be feeling on a continuous basis will be much more intense and awesome than orgasms. Your beauty and elegance will be much more than that of the houris. 
So, why don’t you just focus on the entry ticket to Jannah and stop worrying about earthly or heavenly houris? Why don’t you work towards that rare privilege to behold the Face of Allaah and dine in the company of the Prophets, instead of corrupting your “file” with destructive jealousy? 
May Allaah reunite us in Jannah. Aameen. 

​CONDOLENCES – BETWEEN SYMPATHY AND EMPATHY


There is a slight semantic difference between sympathy and empathy, but in reality, the difference is much wider. The former is a feeling of pity while the latter involves a deeper level of compassion and understanding of another person’s plight. For example, sympathy for a grieving or ailing friend is not enough. You have to put yourself in their shoes and behave in such a way that you’d like people to behave to you if you were in that condition. 
I visited a bereaved family recently and I noticed that a lot of people don’t know the etiquettes of offering condolences. Many of the visitors were mere sympathisers and pests. They were saying too much unnecessary stuff and asking not-too-intelligent questions. Almost everyone wanted to know, “how it happened”. Is it that they wanted to make their own postmortem diagnosis or what? 
Imagine a grieving person having to retell a horror story to tens or hundreds of individuals; over and over again… For some, narrating the story may help them cope with the stress of grief, but for others, it’s just like sticking a needle into a wound, causing more pain and prolonging the healing process. 
When you visit a grieving friend, you should KISS – Keep It Short and Simple! No long sermon. No marathon prayer. No exaggerated eulogy. No loud wailing or hissing. Ask if they need any help from you and offer same. Admonish them to be patient and strong. Do not crack jokes (even though your intention is to make them smile, some jokes may end up being inappropriate). 
In many cultures, the bereaved family would be the one preparing food and drinks to serve the visitors. This is inconvenient for obvious reasons. The practice is considered as bid’ah by the generality of the scholars. The reverse is encouraged instead. It was reported in a “hasan” hadith that when the news of the death of Ja’far [bin Abi Talib] came, the Prophet (saw) said, ”Prepare food for the family of Ja’far, for there has come to them what has preoccupied them.”
May Allaah grant us understanding of the deen and save us from grief and sorrow. Aameen. 

WHEN ABU IS HOME ALONE… 


In most “long-distance” marriages, husbands are usually the ones travelling upandan (for school, business, etc.). However, there are other tangible reasons why your wife might need to be away for a while – confinement pre- or post-delivery; to attend to her elderly parents if she’s the only one they’ve got; she has a rare talent or skill and her service is needed far away from home, etc. And hey! These things could happen at the nascent phase of your marriage when you’re not ready for a second wife… 
So how do you keep yourself busy while Habeebty is away?
*Do more acts of worship. If you have been missing tahajjud and fajr due to marathon “tahaajudi”, this is the time to readjust and get back on track. If you have jettisoned the sunnatic fasts due to ummu’s sumptuous, mellifluous and superfluous delicacies, this is the time to resume fasting! Sorry ehn? 
*Take care of the children. If you have kids, it would be really nice to spend quality father-to-child time with them now. Don’t give them cornflakes everyday – enter the kitchen and make amala! Don’t push them to watch cartoons all day – give them attention, read a book to them, play hide-and-seek, etc. Don’t just dump them with grandma and leave. Stop complaining about babysitting. Parents don’t babysit their own children; it’s called “parenting”!
*Take care of the house, afterall, it’s your house, too. Don’t pile up the dirty laundry or dishes until she comes back – wash them! Share the chores among the children or get help from family/friends if possible. 
What if Habeebty is gonna be away for a longer time? Then, up your game plan… 
*Restore your hibernating routines. Since you got married, you’ve stopped going to the gym and your six-pack has reduced to one-pack. This is the time to start doing regular exercises like you used to do. Fast walking 30minutes everyday will do the trick as well. Try other sports and hobbies like tennis, horseriding, archery, etc. 
*Volunteer. Join a worthy cause or set up one. Do something to empower women and children in your locality. Participate actively and physically in a local project such as mosque building. Gather children and teach them the Qur’an or any other school subject.
*Keep in touch. I need not tell you that she’s missing you as much as you’re missing her. Let there be no communication gaps. Don’t let the sun set without calling, texting, chatting or video chatting (PS: I don’t support sexting and uttering dirty words over the phone, for security reasons…)
*Lower your gaze. This is the crux of the matter. Whether ummu is always with you 24/7, or one of you is a traveller, you still have to lower your gaze to avoid falling into zinaa. Not all those chicks want to marry you legally; some just want to use their bodies to get something from you. Even after you complete the 4 slots, shayton will not stop trying to whisper to you. (Remember Qur’an chapter 17 verse 32) So, if you know you ain’t ready for polygyny, keep yourself chaste for your wife just as she’s keeping herself for you.